5 Coffees I’m Scared To Drink

Coffee may be a necessity of life, but variety is still the spice. While we have lots of great types of coffee here at Coffee Shop of Horrors, there’s always new varieties that I find that I want to try. Coffee can have so many unique flavor profiles that there’s no end to the coffees I can try. But there’s some coffees out there that I’m trepadatious of. Coffees that carry a certain danger. Coffees that will drive men MAD! AHAHAHAHAH…. ahem. Here are five of the coffees that I’m not sure I ever want to let near my lips

 

Kopi Luwak

Kopi Luwak

Yes, the poop coffee. This should come as no surprise, most people do not trust coffee that’s come out of something’s butt. But that’s not the only reason it worries me. Anything expensive will attract the opportunists, who’ll find a way to squeeze even more profit out of it. So now there are civet farms where they keep them caged and force feed them coffee cherries. Mmm… nothing like the taste of poop laced with a liberal dose of animal cruelty. Unless I find some from genuine wild civets, I’ll pass for sure.

 

Blue Mountain Coffee

Samples Jamaica Blue Mountain Coffee

“What!?” you may exclaim. “Blue Mountain Coffee is one of the best in the world, it’s famous, why would this coffee scare you!?”. Or maybe you wouldn’t exclaim that, but I’ll tell you why anyways. You see, I’m a sci-fi fan, and I’ve read the book A Mote In God’s Eye. One of the characters is an interstellar trader, and he specializes in coffee. Of Jamaican Blue, he says “It can not be bought. Navy ships carry it to the Imperial Palace on Sparta.” So you see, I’m afraid to try this coffee due to possible punishment for drinking coffee reserved for a future royal family. Never mess with the space navy. It’s a bad idea.

 

French Vanilla Cappuccino from the gas station

Gas Station Cappuccino

Is there even any coffee in this sugar-milk-concoction? How is it even allowed to hold the label ‘cappuccino’? These bastardizations of coffee do not deserve the moniker. I fear to let it near my mouth, because who knows what mystery ingredients are in there?

 

The Starbucks Monstrosity

Giant Starbucks

No, I’m not just dissing on Starbucks for being Starbucks. That’s the low hanging fruit. What I did not know is that there’s an unofficial competition going on to come up with the most expensive Starbucks drink. This guy brought in a giant novelty cup, and got a latte with 101 shots of espresso and 17 shots of vanilla syrup. This scares me simply because if I were to chug all that in one sitting, my heart would burst out of my chest like some kind of alien before exploding from the caffeine/sugar overdose.

 

Grandma’s

Old Coffee Tin

That tin of instant has been there for decades. Within lies mystery, and perhaps a new life form by now. Stay away.

 

One Response

  • Shannon Says:

    I’m, literally, terrified of the coffee at McDonald’s. It’s not because of the burn all your skin all temperature either. It is the smell and the taste. Do they honestly think using an espresso machine is going to make it taste any less bleck?

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