The Creature From the Dark Roast Lagoon

Hello Ladies and Germs, I’m pleased to say I’ve lined up another interview for you today. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting to be interviewing anyone today, I was just out for a stroll in the woods when I took a wrong turn. I ended up wandering along a mud-covered path and came to a rather stagnant stand of water, when a swamp creature burst from the pool and accosted me! Fortunately, it turned out that he just hadn’t had his morning cup of coffee yet, so he was a little cranky and smelled mine. While I wouldn’t normally hand over my java to anyone, I felt that in this case, it was worth it, and after a few sips, the creature was much more amicable, and was willing to talk for a bit. What follows is a recount of our conversation.

P.J.: Thanks for not killing me… um… what is your name?

Swamp Creature: Call me Bob. ‘Cause that’s what I do when I’m in the water.

P.J.: …nice. You know, I have to admit, I was surprised you were so keen on my coffee. I didn’t know you were such a fanatic. Why did you want it so bad?

Swamp Creature: Dude, I live in a f***ing swamp! And I’m cold-blooded! Do you know how cold the water gets!? I need something to help warm me up.

P.J.: But why coffee? Why not something else like, oh, hot chocolate?

Swamp Creature: Do you know how much energy it takes to drag a cute hiker down into your watery lair while fighting off any would-be protectors? I need the caffeine boost to keep me ahead of them.

P.J.: Yeah, I suppose all that kicking and screaming a girl can do would make it difficult to move quickly.

Swamp Creature: Who said anything about girls?

P.J.: What? …. oh. …Oh! Well, nothing wrong with that. Except for the kidnapping part, I suppose.

Swamp Creature: Hey, birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim, I’ve gotta kidnap cute guys. We all have to follow our nature, right?

P.J.: I suppose. So do you have a favorite type of coffee?

Swamp Creature: I prefer a light roast, with lots of cream.

P.J.: And why is that?

Swamp Creature: Take a look around! The water around here is almost black. If you don’t lighten up the coffee, you risk confusing it with the water itself, and let me tell you, a mouthful of this stuff really doesn’t taste good.

P.J.: If the water here is that bad, then what do you use to brew your coffee?

Swamp Creature: I use the bottled water I take from the hikers. Don’t worry though, I recycle.

P.J.: It’s good to know that you’re environmentally conscious. Wait a sec, if you drag cute guys back to your lair, why did you only come after me for my coffee?

Swamp Creature: I hate to tell ya, but you’re not all that and a bag of chips. I mean, look at that nose of yours. Anyways, you’re too old.

P.J.: Well! If that’s how you feel, I’m just going to take my coffee and leave! Good day to you!

Swamp Creature: Taking away coffee makes me angry.

P.J.: Erm, right. I’ll just leave without it then. You need it to cover up your fish-breath anyways.

Swamp Creature: What was that?

P.J.: Nothing! Gottagobye!

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