Interview with a Dragon

My life seems to be filled with monsters lately. Vampires, minotaurs, werewolves, I keep running into them. But something was missing. One of the most majestic monsters of all had never entered my life. So imagine my pleasurable surprise when I stumbled upon one. I was walking along the railroad tracks and found a cave. Being the inquisitive sort, I made my way inside only to find out it was a dragon’s lair. And quite an impressive one at that. Fortunately, its inhabitant had just eaten, and since I had a thermos of piping hot coffee with me (what? You don’t take coffee with you when you go on a hike?), and laid the flattery on thick, an interview was agreed to while we sat down for an after dinner java.

P.J. It’s a pleasure to meet you mister… I’m sorry, what’s your name?

Dragon Alice.

P.J. Oh! Er, sorry, I didn’t mean to assume. I suppose I could have checked.

Dragon If you mean to suggest that you’d look between my legs, I must inform you that such impropriety would result in you being crushed by my tail.

P.J. Er… fair point, Alice. My apologies. I have to say, looking around your lair, you have certainly done some amazing things with it. The solid gold couch is very nice, and the diamond chandelier, it sparkles like… well… diamonds.

Dragon Thank you dear, I do try to make it attractive for company.

P.J. And that over there is the most impressive coffee setup I’ve ever seen. The emerald-encrusted grinder is a nice touch.

Dragon  I’m quite proud of that one. Of course, everything is one of a kind. Custom made.

P.J. I’ll believe it. So what kind of coffee do you make with machines of such magnificent quality?

Dragon Kopi Luwak, Black Ivory… only the most expensive for me of course. I would not sully my lair with an inferior bean.

P.J. Oh, of course not. But, doesn’t it bother you that you’re drinking coffee that came out of something’s butt?

Dragon I eat creatures whole. Do you really think I worry about getting a bit of digestive tract in my diet?

P.J.  Fair point. So tell me, how did you accumulate all this wealth? I know dragons like a big horde. Did you steal it from dwarves? Demand tribute from a nation?

Dragon Oh, that’s just how I got my seed capital. Then I invested in Microsoft and Apple early on. After that, it’s been a string of shrewd investments.

P.J. Really? The stock market? I would have expected a bit more fire breathing and not as much paperwork.

Dragon Who says there wasn’t any fire involved? To get the best stock tips, sometimes people require a little… encouragement, shall we say?

P.J. Hold on, you’re saying that you use threats of arson to gain insider trading tips?

Dragon No. I’m not. And if you don’t want to be the main course at an impromptu barbeque, you won’t say that either.

P.J. Say what now? I’m sorry, what were we talking about? Have I mentioned just how impressively shiny your scales are?

Dragon Good man.

P.J. If you don’t mind me asking, a dragon your size must have lived quite some time. How old are you and how do you stay looking so young?

Dragon Now now, a lady never tells her age, suffice to say I still recall with fondness the days that knights would challenge me to battle. They roasted up so well in their armor. It was like they were wearing a portable oven. I miss that sometimes.

P.J. Well, I must say I’m impressed at how well you’ve taken to modern times.

Dragon Well, the concept really is still the same. Take advantage of those weaker than you to get what you want. These days it just takes less excessive force and more subtlety.

P.J. Fair point. Well, you may miss the food, but what’s your favorite thing about the modern world?

Dragon Indoor plumbing.

P.J. I can’t argue with that. Say, do you mind if I take a souvenir from your horde before I go?

Dragon Do and I will add blogger to my next dinner party menu.

P.J. I’ll just leave empty-handed then, shall I? Thank you for the interview.

Dragon It’s been a pleasure. Next time you visit, bring some tribute. Preferably a light roast.

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